It happens in every relationship sooner or later. At first, the two of you can’t seem to keep your hands to yourself. Waiting until you’re actually alone together to get down and dirty can occasionally feel like torture at times. Maybe sometimes you don’t even make it all the way home without giving in to your desires!
Eventually, it gets a lot easier to do something with your time other than have constant sex. After you’ve been together a while, that old spark you remember can really fizzle – especially when life gets stressful, busy, or tough. Not sure if you and your partner have officially entered a rut? See if any of the following signs sound familiar:
- Sex is infrequent, if it’s still happening at all.
- Only one of you ever seems to initiate sex (and is rejected more often than not).
- Sex has become routine and predictable. You do it the same way every time or nearly so.
- One or both of you no longer prioritizes appearance and grooming.
On the one hand, it’s normal for partners to get comfortable with one another and to relax a bit in the process. However, it’s not healthy to let things slide to the point where you really no longer see one another sexually.
That said, it’s possible to reignite that old familiar spark you remember so fondly, but first you need to get rid of the belief that sex is supposed to be simple, easy, and spontaneous at all times. You already know healthy, fulfilling relationships take time, effort, and energy. Satisfying, toe-curling sex neither of you can wait to have does too. The following tips can help get you started in the right direction.
1. Get used to touching one another again.
Many couples that have lost their sexual spark haven’t just stopped having regular sex. They’ve fallen out of the habit of touching one another in any way. Physical touch is an absolute must when it comes to a committed relationship. Yes, sex is important, but it’s not all there is to it.
Consciously work to make touching a habit again. Give each other hugs, back rubs, or massages. Hold hands or cuddle together on the couch while you watch TV or drift off to sleep at night. Every time you touch, feel-good oxytocin is released into your system. Oxytocin doesn’t just help you feel closer to the one you’re touching either. It also promotes feelings of generosity, as well as boosts your immune system.
2. Kiss more often.
Think back to your teen years. Take a moment to really remember how much you loved making out with your then-significant other for hours on end. Sadly, we forget how exciting a hot kissing session can be in and of itself. When we do it at all, we tend to rush through it so we can get to the main event.
Try committing to a really solid make-out session that throws back to your teen years and see what happens. Don’t rush through it. Don’t sink into your usual routine. Really allow yourself to enjoy the experience for what it is. Going forward, look for opportunities to do that even more often.
3. Flirt with each other.
Flirting is another fine art we lose touch with once we find ourselves in a long-term relationship and we really shouldn’t. Flirting and teasing help to encourage anticipation and generate a delicious sense of urgency between the two of you. Getting back in the habit can be very effective at making sex more passionate, as well as more explosively orgasmic.
Why not take the initiative the next time an opportunity presents itself? Send your partner a flirty text or a red hot, kinky email while they’re at work. Whisper something racy and suggestive into their ear as they head out the door to the office or while the two of you are out in public somewhere. The more you’re thinking about having each other while there’s nothing either of you can do about it, the hotter it’s going to be when you do finally come together later.
4. Make sex a priority.
As touched on above, life honestly gets really busy sometimes. By the time you go to work, make dinner, run errands, put away the laundry, put the kids to bed, feed the dog, and catch up on the nightly news, you’re probably pretty exhausted. No wonder you never seem to have time for sex or for each other!
Yes, there’s a lot to be said for spontaneous, gotta-have-it-now sex, but sometimes life just doesn’t leave time for that. It’s up to you to make sure your sex life is a priority. Start by making regular dates with one another. Make plans, get dressed up, and go out! You need those little opportunities to reconnect without any sort of distraction in the way.
Don’t forget to take the opportunity to flirt when you can as well. For instance, try forgoing underwear for the evening and choosing an opportune time to whisper that information into your partner’s ear. Then have fun watching them squirm as they think about it all night long.
5. Take the time to look good.
A big part of putting that charge back into your sex life is about getting back to a place where you yourself feel sexy. That said, you might be surprised just how big a difference a little attention paid to your appearance can actually make.
You don’t have to look like a supermodel or an A-list celebrity. Just take some steps to feel as good about your body and appearance as possible. Get your hair done. Treat yourself to some new clothes or cosmetics that are sexy while still being “you”. Buy some really nice looking underwear or lingerie. Start going to the gym once a week so you can tone up a bit.
Again, the idea isn’t necessarily to be super skinny or glamourous. It’s about feeling sexual and attractive more of the time. Plus, seeing you put in the effort to look good makes your partner feel they’re important.
Also, don’t underestimate the power of a good compliment! Is your partner looking especially hot today? Tell them. Did they just do something that seriously revs your motor or turns you on? Let them know how sexy they are. It makes a big difference, especially in the long run!
6. Add some sex toys to the mix.
Another great way to feel more sexual more of the time is to invest in a few toys to use either by yourself or with your partner. These days, you definitely have your options to consider! There are classic picks like vibrators and dildos in all shapes and sizes, but don’t feel you have to stop there unless you want to.
Now’s a great time to consider something new that you might be curious about like a butt plug, anal beads, Ben Wa balls, or even some light bondage gear. (No, you’re definitely not the only one that read Fifty Shades of Grey and got some ideas in your head!) No need to keep your new delights to yourself either. Any and all of these items, including your favorite vibrator, can make things a lot more exciting when it’s time for couples play as well.
7. Shop for toys together.
So you’ve been bringing your trusty vibe to bed with you when it’s time to get down and dirty with your partner to the tune of awesome results. Why not keep things fresh and exciting by shopping for some new items together and officially starting a toy chest? It’s a great way to open an ongoing dialogue about sex between the two of you, as well as keep things fresh in the bedroom.
Make an appointment to sit down together in front of your laptop and do some browsing on your favorite sex toy website. Take turns talking about options you’d like to try together. Settle on some new additions to your communal collection together. Don’t forget to take a closer look at some of the awesome couple’s sex toys out there on the market today either! Think streamlined vibrators designed to give you both a pleasant jolt as you make love or remote controlled toys capable of opening up an entirely new world for both of you, even when you’re apart.
8. Talk about your fantasies.
We’ve all got fantasies, right? What’s yours? Have you shared it with your partner before? If not, there’s no time like the present, especially if you’re looking to inject new life into your sex life. We promise you your partner has fantasies of their own as well. Why not make a date to share yours with one another – no holds barred and no judgment?
Start by simply listing all of yours and having your partner do the same. Rate each possibility according to how much it turns you on. Then trade lists and discuss. See if you can’t come up with something new you can try together. You’re sure to be glad you made the effort!