Although you may sometimes feel like the only person on the planet that loves to indulge in sexual fantasies from time to time, you’re definitely not. Sexual fantasies are not only normal, but thought processes pretty much everyone has. Even those that think they don’t have fantasies usually just haven’t spent enough time thinking about it yet to identify theirs.
What’s more, not only is it commonplace and healthy to have fantasies, but it’s also normal to consider bringing yours into reality. The experience of exploring a fantasy for real can be fun and exciting, as well as a great way to build intimacy with your partner. Knowing you’re officially ready to give it a try is one thing though. Smoothly making the transition is another. Here we’ll go over some must-know tips that can help.
Start out slow
Jumping straight into things head first probably isn’t the best way to integrate fantasy into your love life, especially if yours are more exotic or elaborate. Instead, start out slowly and allow a little momentum to build over time. Not only is this an important part of letting your partner get comfortable with things, but it lets you process what’s happening as well.
For instance, let’s say your big fantasy is to have your partner totally dominate you in bed. You don’t want to introduce this idea to your partner by pulling out a brand new collection of BDSM gear and telling them to go for it while there stand there blinking in confusion. Instead, start by coaching them to “demand” things they want in bed, identify things they want you to do to them, and so forth. There will be plenty of time for whips and handcuffs later.
Use a sexy movie to open a dialogue
If you’re comfortable bringing your fantasy up for consideration via a standard conversation, more power to you. However, if you’re a little shyer or not quite sure where to begin, movies make amazing conversation starters. Whatever your personal fantasy happens to be, there’s more than likely at least one movie out there with a scene that addresses it.
We’re not necessarily talking about porn either (although if you and your partner are game, that’s certainly an option). A garden variety R-rated movie with a sexy theme can absolutely work just as well. (Think Secretary, Fifty Shades of Grey, or Nymphomaniac.) Most couples discuss films they see as a rule, so look for a way to work your fantasy into the same post-viewing conversation you’d normally have. Movies with sexy themes or hot sex scenes can be fun ways to initiate sex as well.
Embrace the possibility of role play
Of course, not all fantasies are created equally in the feasibility department. “Just do it” might be a good approach to realizing a fantasy about having sex in your childhood room or having your partner spank you. Probably not so much if you fantasize about having sex with a total stranger or working as an exotic dancer!
That’s where role play comes in. That “sex with a stranger” fantasy can totally be brought to life by having your partner meet up with you at a bar, pretend to be someone else, and then take you to a cheap motel room after a few drinks. The same goes for the stripper fantasy. Try signing up for a strip fitness class, learning some sweet new moves, and treating your partner to a private show sometime.
Try a fantasy exchange
If you’re personally not much of a talker when it comes to discussing important or sensitive topics like fantasies, that’s perfectly OK. Do you find you’re more comfortable or find it easier to get your point across when you write things down? Try bringing up your fantasy in a flirty text or email sometime and seeing what they say.
Alternatively, you could try asking your partner to participate in a fantasy exchange with you. At your leisure, sit down and make a list of your sexual fantasies – especially any that you’d really like to try for real – and ask your partner to do the same. Then when you’re both ready, exchange lists. Now each of you should thoroughly review the other person’s list and identify items on it you’d be willing to try with a check mark. Now all you have to do is decide what you’re going to try first!
Let your partner be part of the planning process
Once you and your partner settle on a scenario or two you’d really like to try, it’s time to start planning out the logistics together. Unless the two of you have already decided that one of you will plan it for the other as a sexy surprise, you’ll definitely want to do it tougher. Being part of the planning process will help ensure that your partner enjoys the way everything goes down to the same extent you will.
Planning on bringing a “sex in public” fantasy to life together? Let them make a few suggestions that appeal to them as far as the place and the time. Looking to explore a little dom/sub role play in the bedroom? Let them help you shop for any costumes or gear you might need to carry things out and take their suggestions into consideration. You’ll both feel more invested in the outcome and be more likely to enjoy yourselves.
Respect your partner’s reactions
Naturally, the best case scenario when bringing up a fantasy to a partner would be their being as excited as you are about it giving it a try. However, it’s important to prepare for a negative reaction as well. If your partner nixes the idea of trying out one of your ideas, let it go and move on. They might well be open to trying something else or they might think it over a bit and get back to you about it at some later time.
If they do go ahead with a given idea, be sure to listen to any feedback they give you during the experience. Then check in with them afterward to see how what the two of you just did made them feel. Ask them specifically if they think they’d ever like to do it again and then respect whatever it is they tell you, even if it’s “no, never again”.
Always be communicative
Of course, it’s just as important that you take the initiative and communicate with your partner as well. If you like something they’re doing, let them know it verbally or via some well-timed moaning. If you don’t like something, let them know that as well. Remember, your partner cares about you and ultimately wants to please you.
Don’t assume that you have to simply suck things up and power through a scenario that isn’t working for you just because it was your idea either. It’s hardly unheard of for something to sound a lot better on paper than it feels in real life. If at any time you’re uncomfortable (or you suspect your partner is), it’s OK to put on the brakes.
Take the next steps together
So let’s say everything goes off perfectly. Both you and your partner enjoyed yourselves more thoroughly than you ever could have imagined and you’re both definitely game for doing it again sometime. Now you get to decide where you should take things next. You can talk about exploring another fantasy together or alternatively, you can talk about deepening your interest in the one you’ve already tried.
Many fantasies play out even better when you add a few extra touches to the mix. Would things be even more satisfying next time if you added sex toys, lubes, costumes, or gear to the mix? If so, consider logging onto an online sex shop, checking out the wares available, and picking out a few items to try together the next time you feel like playing. It may be the start of a whole new level of exploration and intimate connection for the two of you.
Understand that acting out a fantasy won’t change you
Choosing to act out a pet fantasy is just that and nothing more – a fun way to satisfy your curiosity about something that intrigues you. Enjoying the experience (or not) doesn’t have to “say” anything specific about who you are, nor does it have to dictate anything about who you become going forward.
Deciding to try something interesting in bed doesn’t make you a different person. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to do it again (whether or not it was originally your idea). However, you won’t ever know for sure until you try it. Worst case scenario, you have a horrible time and now know a little bit more about what you don’t like in bed, right? Have fun. Play. Experiment. Something positive will come out of the experience one way or another.