Consistently orgasming during sex can be a challenge for more people than you probably think, especially women, as the orgasm gap is totally a real thing.
According to research, only 65 percent of women regularly reach orgasm during intercourse, compared to 95 percent of men. However, this is rarely a physical issue. The same people who don’t usually orgasm during partnered sex often have little to no problem doing so on their own.
Reaching orgasm becomes even more complicated when you’re with a new partner with whom you haven’t yet formed a trust bond, but it’s possible to change that. Here are some tips to get you started.
Get to the root of the problem
No two people are exactly alike, so neither are any two reasons why someone might have trouble orgasming with new or unfamiliar partners. Some folks feel anxiety over wanting to impress the new person, while others have body image-related insecurities or other concerns they’ve battled their whole lives.
Start by figuring out what’s at the root of your own issue and addressing it. Consider how unrealistic social expectations can be, especially those directed at women. And keep in mind that porn isn’t real and should never dictate the standards you expect yourself to meet.
Say no to fake orgasms
Social pressure and concerns over how a new partner might perceive your performance can make simply faking an orgasm look pretty tempting. But it’s important that you resist the urge. First of all, real orgasms and genuinely uninhibited sex are too good to miss out on, and you absolutely deserve to be having them.
Also, faking orgasm – even occasionally – gets a new relationship off to a bad start. Your new partner will simply assume that what they’re already doing is getting the job done, meaning you’ll eventually have to admit to faking it if you ever want things to get better in the future.
Show your partner what you like
Most people expect a bit of a learning curve when they’re with someone new in bed, so don’t be afraid to let your partner know what you’re into. Tell them how (and where) you like to be touched, kissed, and stimulated.
And if you’re among the many people who find it difficult to put such things into words, you can always show your new partner instead. For example, you can simply guide their hands as the two of you play together. You can also invite them to watch you masturbate – something that’s both hot and educational.
Work on your solo game
Social norms that dictate women shouldn’t (or simply don’t) masturbate unfortunately mean that many aren’t as comfortable with masturbation as they should be. However, that doesn’t change the fact that working on having better sex with yourself is one of the best ways to have better sex with your partners, as well.
If you’re not already masturbating on a regular basis, it’s time to start. Try different techniques, toys, or types of porn. Figure out what your body and mind really respond to, particularly when it comes to what makes you orgasm. Then take what you learn into the bedroom with you, and teach it to your partner.
Try using toys with your partner
More couples, regardless of how long they’ve been together, should consider using toys together. Toys bring new sensations and possibilities to the table, as well as help keep sex interesting for both people. They also take most (if not all) of the pressure off of both you and your partner when it comes to getting an orgasm.
Sex toys take the guesswork out of both giving and receiving toe-curling sexual pleasure, leaving you free to focus on the experience and each other instead. Using toys together, especially from the beginning of a relationship, can also encourage healthy sexual habits like open communication.
Understand orgasms aren’t a necessity
Although you’d be hard-pressed to find any person who doesn’t appreciate a good orgasm when they can get one, most will tell you that having one doesn’t necessarily make or break a sexual experience. Plus, the more you obsess over trying to have more orgasms, the more elusive they become.
Do what you can to get to know your body and help your new partner get to know it, too. But beyond that, just relax and let it happen. Focus on enjoying your partner and appreciating the entire sexual experience for what it is. That’s often when people turn a corner and find orgasming easier all around.
It’s also important to realize you’re not alone. Most people experience at least some degree of sexual anxiety at some point in their lives, and they feel like they’re the only ones. But they’re not, and you’re not, either. With time, patience, practice, and communication, it’s possible to overcome just about anything, so start now.