Deciding to try kink for the first time with a partner is definitely exciting and with good reason. Kink can be great for your relationship, not to mention your confidence and sense of comfort with your own body. It’s a great way to become a better, more effective communicator, as well.
Still, there are a lot of different mistakes people make when exploring kink for the first time, even if they’re relatively clear on what they’re getting into. Here are some common examples to be aware of and avoid ensuring an experience you’ll both be happy with.
1. Not Doing Enough Homework
Many people think that because they’re into BDSM porn or have seen Fifty Shades of Grey that they also know what kink is all about. But it’s important to understand that movies (and porn) just aren’t reality. Safety is really important in kink play, so thorough research needs to be, too.
It’s essential that you both understand any risks involved in what you’d like to do so you can prepare properly. People can easily wind up in over their heads, but preparation can help keep you safe and guarantee a good time.
2. Failing to Communicate Enough
Whether you’re into kink or not, communication is essential if you’re serious about cultivating a healthy, mutually satisfying sex life. But it’s extra important if you’re interested in kink play, and it’s about more than simply having a safe word in place before you start.
Discuss any boundaries, kinks, fetishes, and issues you have thoroughly before moving forward with your plans. And talk about them enough to get over any awkwardness you might feel. Before you play for the first time, be sure to discuss your chosen scenario in detail, as well.
3. Forgetting About Etiquette
Of course, not every kink scene plays out entirely in private. Many singles and couples eventually decide they’d like to try group kink play, explore sex dungeon situations, or both. But before you go that route, it’s crucial to do some more research so you know what to expect and how to behave.
For example, you should never assume that people who are into group play are automatically going to be down for whatever. Consent is still super important, so it’s essential to observe proper etiquette and make sure you have permission before joining in, watching, touching others, and so forth.
4. Forgetting Your Personal Needs
Naturally, seeing to the well-being of your partner and any others involved in your kink play is a must. But don’t lose sight of the fact that you’re part of the equation, as well, so your needs also matter. That said, give some thought to what you’d like to get out of the experience, what your boundaries are, and what you’d like to try with your partner.
Consider what’s feasible for you, given any physical or emotional limitations you might be dealing with. And don’t forget to consider what you need from a partner not only before you get down to business but during and after your play, as well.
5. Having Unrealistic Expectations
If you’re like many people trying kink for the first time, you’ve probably fantasized about this moment for a long time – possibly your entire life. And when that’s the case, you’re bound to have a pretty colorful mental image of how you picture things going down.
However, it’s important to manage your expectations. Bringing any type of fantasy out of your head and into your real life is bound to involve unexpected snags, little things that don’t quite go right, and learning curves. And those things are all part of the experience, too, so decide up front that you’ll just roll with it and have a good time regardless.
6. Doing Too Much Too Quickly
Another common mistake almost all new kinksters make in the beginning is going from zero to sixty right away because they’re just so excited to finally have the opportunity. But anytime you’re trying something new to you (or to your partner), it’s really better to take things slow and get a feel for things first.
During your first play session, start with some basics and focus on figuring out whether you like how it all feels. Keep the lines of communication open during play, as well as check in with one another when you’re done playing. Discuss what you each liked about the experience and what you might want to do differently moving forward.
As you get increasingly used to kink, keep adding new options here and there – sex toys, accessories, different acts, scenarios, etc. Eventually, you’ll get into a groove that really works for both of you while still leaving room to explore more in the future. Remember, even the hottest kinksters had to start somewhere.
