By now, you already know that sex isn’t just an important part of your relationship. It’s an essential part of a long-term relationship that’s healthy and happy in all the right ways. But as necessary as sex is and as fascinated as everyone is by it, it remains something most aren’t comfortable bringing up in conversation, even with their partners.
As a result, there’s a lot to be unsure about. For example, how much is “too much” or “too little” when it comes to sex? What, if anything, should you do about it if you find out you’re either not doing it often enough or doing it more than you should be? How can you know for sure your sex life is the best it can really be? Here are some questions to ask yourself while figuring things out.
Are you and your partner equally satisfied?
No two relationships will be precisely the same, so what constitutes a healthy sex life will naturally change from situation to situation. What did it just fine for your ex might not be enjoyable to a new partner. Likewise, your own needs and desires may evolve from relationship to relationship, as well.
The best and most important hallmark of a happy, healthy sex life is mutual satisfaction. If either of you has an issue with the frequency, the amount of novelty in your repertoire, or any of the things already on the menu, it’s time to work on things. If you’re both happy and enjoying yourselves, though, it’s all good.
Does either of you feel pressured or forced in any way?
A healthy sex life is something that comes along with plenty of pleasure, laughter, intimacy, and enjoyment of all types. Getting things right is about respecting one another, caring about one another’s feelings, and honoring each other’s boundaries. There is no room in that equation for coercion or gaslighting.
Exploring new territory together is terrific. So is taking turns sharing fantasies or suggesting things that might be fun. But neither partner should never force, pressure, or shame the other into going along with something they’re not into. Great sex and healthy relationships don’t leave anyone feeling inadequate or otherwise not up to par because of what they do and don’t enjoy in the bedroom.
How open are the lines of communication?
Although talking freely about sex comes more easily to some people than others, couples need to be able to communicate in this regard. Discussing sex is a must when tackling practical matters like birth control and other aspects of sexual health. It builds intimacy and aids connection. It’s the key to a sex life that grows over time, as well.
If you and your partner aren’t really in the habit of having discussions like these, it’s okay to start small. Practice makes perfect. Topics you’ll eventually want to get comfortable discussing include (but don’t necessarily have to be limited to) what’s working, what’s not, and anything you’d love to try.
Are you both committed to keeping things fresh?
Even the hottest sex lives can get a little stale from time to time, especially after you’ve been with someone for a long time, so every healthy sex life includes occasional experimentation. However, it’s up to the two of you to decide what that entails, and things should always be done with your individual comfort levels in mind.
It really doesn’t take much to put a little sizzle back in the mix or break up a rut. Even something as simple as a new position, time of day, or location can do the job, but you don’t need to stop there unless you want to. Many couples also love to experiment with sex toys, different lubes, roleplaying, light bondage, and more.
Are body image issues a problem for either of you?
If you’re serious about having terrific sex and maintaining a healthy sex life, you’ll want to address any possible body image issues that could be in the way. Of course, everyone feels insecure about their body occasionally, and even confident people have occasional days when they just plain feel gross or don’t want to be seen naked. Those days should be the exception rather than the rule, though.
Severe body image problems are worth unpacking enough to resolve them, as they can affect many aspects of your wellbeing. Get to the bottom of why you feel the way you do (or support your partner while they do it), and watch your sex life improve.
The key to a happy, healthy sex life is a pleasant relationship, good communication, and a strong focus on what you need as a couple. Talk things through, don’t sweat the small stuff, and – most importantly of all – enjoy yourselves and each other when you’re between the sheets.
