In a world where people rarely to never talk completely openly about sex, it’s simply human nature to wonder whether you’re sexually normal or not, especially when it comes to orgasm. You’re left wondering whether it’s normal not to be able to orgasm with a partner. And that goes double for women.
People watch movies, television, and porn. They see women having screaming orgasms after just a few minutes of penetrative intercourse. Then they decide that because they saw it happen on a screen, that’s how things are supposed to be.
If they sleep with women, they think that’s how their partners’ bodies should function. And if they are women, they’re often left wondering, “What’s wrong with me?” This may especially be the case if they orgasm quickly on their own but struggle to achieve the same effects when they’re intimate with a partner.
Why is it easier to orgasm alone?
When you stop to think about it, it makes a lot of sense that people – women especially – generally find it easier to reach orgasm when they’re flying solo. When you’re going it alone, you’re focused entirely on your own pleasure. You can take your time, do what you like, and give yourself whatever you know you need to get the job done.
When you’re with a partner, you will be at least somewhat distracted. You’re likely fairly preoccupied with their pleasure. And if you’re a woman, you may even be conditioned to feel like your pleasure isn’t as important as theirs or like you’re being burdensome by expecting to make it a priority.
That said, you’re not abnormal in the least if you struggle to orgasm when you’re with a partner. But the thing is, orgasming with a partner is a fantastic experience, and it’s one absolutely everyone deserves to have as often as they want it. You just need a change in mindset and approach.
Your pleasure should be a priority
Most who struggle to orgasm when a partner is along for the ride do tend to see their pleasure as a burden – something too complicated to expect their partner to bother about. Sometimes those feelings can be traced back to something specific – an idea they picked up from media they’ve viewed or possibly a bad experience with a previous partner.
If it’s the latter, it can understandably be tough to find the courage to ask a new partner to care about your sexual needs. But it’s essential to get one thing straight. You’re right to care whether you have an orgasm when you’re with your partner, and a good partner who deserves to be intimate with you will care, too.
Try imagining what it would be like not to care whether your partner has a good time and enjoys themselves thoroughly when you’re in bed together. Can you picture telling them that it’s just not worth it because it takes too much work, effort, or time? It’s hard to picture feeling that way about anyone you’re into enough to go to bed with them.
Your partner almost certainly feels the same way, so it’s important to give them a chance to prove it and work with you toward a place where you’re both having the time of your lives in the bedroom.
Give yourself a break
It’s officially time to banish the idea that there’s a right and a wrong way to have an orgasm. There’s no specific time limit within which it needs to happen, and everyone’s different regarding what does it for them.
So if you’re not already in touch with the kind of sensation that helps you reach orgasm, it’s time to figure it out. Start logging some serious solo time with yourself, during which you give yourself plenty of room to explore your body. Try different toys, lubes, positions, and techniques. Experiment until you settle on some favorites that really work.
And once you do have some self-knowledge in this arena, communicate what you learn to your partner. Expand your sexual routine to include more activities to help you reach your own big O. Think oral sex, manual stimulation, toy play, sensual foreplay, and more.
Be active in reaching an orgasm
Another outmoded idea many people need to get out of their heads is that an orgasm is something a person gives to their partner when they’re in bed together. You’re still responsible for your own orgasm, just as you would be if you were pursuing one on your own. The idea is to find joy and intimacy in accessing the ability to have one with your partner.
So, relax and enjoy the ride. It’s okay if you don’t orgasm simultaneously, nor is orgasm a mandatory part of every single experience. It’s also okay to take matters into your own hands at times and for your partner to do the same. Just experiment and explore until you hit on something that works for you both.